Book Review – We’re Just Friends and Other Dating Lies by Chuck Milian

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Dating, finding a mate, sexual purity – these are just a few issues that most people face at some point in their life. Concomitant with these concerns are a host of other potential issues such as hurt feelings, emotional roller coasters, loneliness, unrealistic expectations, just to name a few. The modern dating model promotes the idea that the aforementioned issues are simply what one has to go through in order to find a mate and maneuvering the dating minefield is just par for the course. One may rightly ask if Scripture has anything to say about finding a mate or if humanity is simply left to their own to figure out how to attract a mate based on the current societal trends. Pastor and author Chuck Milian, in his book “We’re Just Friends and Other Dating Lies” approaches the topic of dating with a helpful guide to avoiding the typical pitfalls and minefields the modern dating model presents.

Milian presents five dating levels he believes will not just help single people avoid the dating minefield, but that will also ensure that in the process of finding a mate, one’s focus is always on glorifying God. These five dating levels are called 1) Dating for Something to do; 2) Dating Because It’s You; 3) Dating With the Future in View; 4) Dating and Engaged to You; and 5) Dating After Saying I Do. Subsumed within these five levels are guidelines for physical interaction and recommendations for appropriate social interactions. While Milian describes his approach as a biblical dating model, he is actually presenting what could rightly be called an approach that is very much like a courtship model where relationships are built on the foundation of friendship and treating each other as a brother and sister in Christ focusing on building Christ-like relationships rather than interacting merely for an emotional high or to elevate one’s social status.

As one who went through the process of betrothal with my wife as we moved towards marriage, I was pleased to see Milian focus extensively on the need for a community approach to “dating.” Having a community of family, friends, and mentors is truly invaluable for helping the two individuals who are in the process of getting to know one another to stay focused on things above. An important element of Milian’s first dating level is that of activities with others who may have similar interests with the express purpose of simply getting to know each other and to cultivate a friendship as brothers and sisters in the Lord. This approach flies in the face of the modern dating model, and thankfully so, where the typical first date is seen as a means to satisfy some fleshly urge or to prove you can “get a date.” Milian aptly reminds the reader that a firm foundation of friendship is essential to avoid future hurt feelings. Starting off on the right page, namely that of developing a godly friendship with other singles around to maintain a sense of accountability is absolutely the proper biblical approach. Enjoying another’s company simply for the sake of enjoying another’s company without any hidden strings attached not only starts a relationship off on the right foot, it also ensures the focus is not on conquest but on building one another up in biblical community.

Level two of Milian’s dating model is for those who, after a significant amount of time at level one, acknowledge some level of mutual attraction. According to Milian, once it has been accepted between two individuals that “something is there”, it may then be appropriate to hold hands or for one to put there arm around the shoulders of the other. This is where Milian’s model certainly diverges from models presented by authors such as Joshua Harris or Eric and Leslie Ludy, advocates of courtship and/or betrothal. In the courtship/betrothal models, in particular with betrothal, physical contact is avoided in most cases until marriage. This includes holding hands and kissing for example, elements of physical contact which Milian includes as acceptable at various levels of his model. Physical contact is a tricky issue to discuss and while I partially disagree with Milian that physical contact can be accomplished with little or no element of premature physical expectations or “alarm bells” if you will, he does saliently remind the reader that sexual tension can arise even with holding hands. To some degree, this may seem a bit contradictory by promoting the idea of holding hands but then stating that sexual tension may result from that activity. Perhaps this is why personally I am an advocate of betrothal where such things are delayed even further in the development of the relationship so as not to even cross that line of sexual tension or arousing of emotions at this stage in the getting to know one another process. Even still, Milian does remind the reader that if both parties are focused on building one another in a manner consistent with treating each other as a brother/sister in the Lord, holding hands will simply be a symbol of the seriousness of their commitment. He also stresses that it is vital for both individuals to continue to be on the same page as well as the continued importance of accountability at this stage.

The next stage, which Milian calls “Dating Because It’s You” essentially is the no turning back point. When this level is reached, both individuals have determined that God is leading them towards marriage and exclusivity becomes vital at this phase. Only after significant discussions, prayer, conversations with one another and with those in their respective relational safety nets should this next level be pursued.

One important aspect Milian discusses and rightfully so is the reality that when two individuals marry they not only marry each other, but their respective families as well. This is perhaps something many people forget. Milian cogently reminds the reader “No family is perfect, but it is important that you and your date learn how to handle any dysfunctional tendencies within family systems. Things like passive aggressive behavior, persistent negativity and criticism, controlling behaviors and words, and overstepping of bounds all put pressure on your relationship.” Now this does not mean of course that because Uncle Stan often has one too many beers and gets a bit silly at family gatherings or that Cousin Sally is a bit of a gossip and thinks the couple is not right for each other that the relationship should come to an end. What this does mean is family dynamics must be understood and discussed so when the marriage takes place, these issues do not become something that unduly stress the newly marriage or even seasoned marriage.

Immediately at the outset of discussing level four of his model, Milian dispels the dating lie that engagement means sex is now allowable. This is a vitally important issue given the number of couples, even Christian couples that begin to live together when they are engaged assuming that because they are committed to one another that a sexual relationship can precede marriage. Milian reminds the reader once again that Scripture permits sex only within the boundaries of covenant marriage. This is an area where personally I feel the courtship or betrothal process handles elements of physical contact better than any dating model, even Christian dating models; however, Milian rightly stresses that accountability and being truthful with one another throughout the previous levels will have built a foundation of “self-control and responsibility.” While that is true, this can be a stumbling block for those who are not willing to continue to seek counsel and to remain under the umbrella of accountability and Milian thankfully continues to stress the necessity of protecting your heart and leaning on the Holy Spirit to remind the couple at this stage of the importance of purity.

The final stage of Milian’s model is one that is often not found in dating books, namely that of the absolute importance of continuing to date while married. This of course is not dating someone other than your spouse just to make that clear. Conversely, this is all about continuing to cultivate love, affection, and commitment to one another once the vows have been said and the excitement of being newly married wanes. This is vitally important for those who have children, especially children very early in the marriage. Quite often, the focus of a marriage with children is strictly on raising the children, with very little time left for the married couple, either relationally or sexually. Milian reminds the reader to schedule regular date nights, the necessity of staying out of relational ruts, and to also respect the bonding stages after marriage. He notes the typical male approach that often fails to take into consideration the desires or boundaries of their spouse in the bedroom. Mutual respect on both sides in regards to that issue is vital to avoid the marital pitfall of anger, frustration, and miscommunication with something God created to be a special and beautiful experience within the confines of a covenant marriage.

For those who are thinking about dating, those who have been hurt and confused by the modern dating model or for those who are friends with those who are dating, Milian’s book will be of great assistance. Again, his approach is very close to that of a courtship model stopping just short of a more physically restrictive model such as betrothal. Milian continually reminds those who are entering the “dating scene” to stay focused on God through all five levels of his model, for it is staying focused on God and what Scripture defines as proper relationship prior to and after marriage that will help alleviate one from falling prey to the dating minefield that far too many have succumbed.

This book is available for purchase at New Growth Press:

Chuck Milian – We’re Just Dating and Other Dating Lies

I received this for free from New Growth Press for this review. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”